Mom is almost to heaven, but today is the first day of the rest of her life

Honestly, i never once thought i’d be 20 years old, and googling ‘ how to deal with the death of a mother ‘ …come on..seriously?!  I mean, i’m happy that any question i have, can be answered…apparently i talked in my sleep the other week…i said, “GOOGLE IT!”  haha i google everything. No, but really, why am i  having to experience such tragedy at a young age. Not like this is something new, but really?!  Don’t you guys ever feel like, ‘ Why me?’ but feel like everyone gets annoyed and has the usual response, ‘there are so many people out there that are going through things worse than you.’ Well, I have realized that yes, there are people suffering more than i am, but that doesn’t mean that i’m not allowed to be upset about what’s going on in my life.

My mother is in the end stage of liver cirrhosis due to excessive alcohol abuse for 20 + years….and now, i’m the one who has to deal with it. She lives in a room in a house where there is no ac and no one speaks english. She is dying alone…and it kills me every single day.  My day went from being miserable, to wonderful

We’re having a meeting at 5pm today with a rep from a hospice facility, and hopefully, this will be the last day she’s had to be alone. Although i know you only go to hospice if you are terminally ill, i’m still thrilled that there are people willing to help her. I can only do so much. I’m still in shock that i know that within the next few weeks, i will get that phone call that i’ve been dreading for months now. Much to my surprise, my mom is still here, but the doctors said it wont be long.

What i’ve learned through this whole experience:

1. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel , your feelings are valid and everyone grieves differently

2. Don’t let yourself feel guilty, this is NOT YOUR FAULT

3. TALK about your feelings, keeping it bottled up will set you up for disaster

4. No matter what, everything WILL get doesn’t stop here. I Promise.

“In the end it will be ok, and if it’s not ok, don’t’s not the end”

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My favorite word.. “Why” 10 questions

Seriously, if everthing happens for a reason, then everything has a reason…so all i want to know is..why. What’s the reason? I know that quote is pretty much an answer in itself…but if you think about it, life revolves around everything happening, so my question is, Why does it happen?
Some questions i want to know:
1. Why does ‘luck’ never seem to happen to the one who wants it? Like, I’ve gone in the store and bought a lottery ticket, and it made me think..why can’t my numbers be the numbers that get picked?! Why is it that you always hear of someone from a different state winning the millions?!
2. Why do the babies that are born to celebrities, oh i dont know, get to be BORN TO CELEBRITES???
3. Why is it that everytime we are pressed for time, we not only get stuck behind the slow driver, but hit every yellow or red light???
4. Why do we never feel comfortable with our bodies, and focus on every single imperfection. Like, when you become what you think is appealing and acceptable, no one walks down the street and congratulates you on how amazing you look and you definitely don’t win an award???…ok unless your on the biggest loser.
5. Why is it, that the BEST tasting things in life are 10,000 calories and cause everyone to get fat?!
6. Why is it SO easy to gain weight, and so damn hard to lose it?
7. Why does it seem like planned parenthoods are overflowing w/ pregnant teens, yet it seems like married couples have to ‘try’ to have babies?
8. Why are kids so damn mean in middleschool, it is always the fat kid or ugly or weird kid that gets picked on?
9. Why do men focus on sex, while women focus on marriage?
10. & Last but not least, WHY does it seem like the ones who are so blessed to have a ton of money, are so damn rude and think they are on some different level than those who weren’t so fortunate. Why do they think they are of better quality? SHEESH!

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